Darkness
by Tweetie Pie
Summary: When one wants to run away, there's only one person you can't escape. Yourself. - MASSIVE SPOILERS for Children of Earth


Darkness . . . then a breath.

The life comes back, followed by the pain . . . a pain that never seems to fade.

My fingers clenched around the butt of the pistol in my hand. As I slowly sat up, wiping gore from my hair, a groan escaped me.

But it's no use. No matter how many times I kill myself, no matter how many bullets I eat, no matter how many knives I drive into my own head . . . I . . . can't . . . die.

And it doesn't matter how many aliens, women or beings I sleep with, the arms are not the arms I yearn to feel. The warmth of every being is not enough warmth to still the coldness of guilt and pain.

I move to the window, away from the bloody mess I have made, and look out over the alien planet. To anyone, it would be a beautiful planet - the dawning sky a fiery peach, touching the tall, graceful buildings with it's kiss.

But I can't feel it. All I see is those dark eyes, and the blue, glaring balefully at me out of the shadows cast by the light.

That's all my life is now . . . shadow.

Despite the warmth I felt on my bare skin, there is no warmth in my heart. The 456 took it all from me ten long years ago.

But just as I am a fixed point in time, my life is a fixed point. Fixed at the point where I sacrificed the future to save a planet I no longer cared for.

I tried pain. But it was never enough.

I tried to dull the memory with drugs and alcohol. But it didn't last.

I tried to let the darkness swallow me. But that oblivion lasts only as long as the Universe is looking the other way.

I watched that blue marble called Earth. I watched, as a one year old boy staggered to his feet for the first time. I watched, as the child Jack won merit awards, sporting awards and points in academia. I watched, as his parents out-grew their grief. Two more children followed; a girl named Lisa, and her twin Ianto.

More fuel for my grief.

I blinked. How is it that ten years have passed?

But then, to someone who has lived a thousand lifetimes, what is ten years? A blink of the eye, a cough . . . ten years . . . ten years!

Perhaps I haven't wandered far enough yet. Perhaps I still need to shake the dirt off my boots.

Except it's not the boots that are dirty . . . it's me. My hands. My heart.

My soul, if I had one.

I turned to the table beside the long window and picked up the syringe that sat there, filled with Fantoxinon, a drug that induces euphoria. So much so that abusers forget to look after themselves.

Except for me, there's no euphoria.

Without thinking, I injected the full measure, ten times more than the most humans could manage. It's almost a ritual now. Carve, carve, carve, BANG! Gasp!

Then the syringe.

A groan escapes me as I sink to the floor, a moment of relief as all of the feeling fades from my hands . . . my head . . .

Darkness . . . then a gasp.

*****

Ylan five this planet is called. A planet where the men are subservient, but still respected. I've been here for five years, a slave to the matriarchy here. I ran out of money. Couldn't afford to pay my bills, and couldn't afford any more Fantox . . . so I sold myself.

It's been nearly twenty years since Ianto died . . . since I sacrificed Steven.

I shudder, not from the ecstasy I should be feeling from the expert hands that touch me. More from the memories that still haunt me.

I should have told him. I should have told Steven that he was . . . What? A mistake?

No. Alice was right. Not until he was old enough to understand. And now . . .

I rolled over, moving away from the woman who had finished with me and towards the window, to look out at the forest. A reflection stared back at me . . . gaunt in the face, dark eyes . . . a spectre of death.

What am I still doing here?

Why, when I have been freed now, have I not returned to Earth? To Rhys, Gwen, Jack, Lisa and Ianto?

I closed my eyes. There was no one left there now, no one that needed me. Even Alice had rejected me, and I could understand why.

I have spent the last twenty years trying to destroy myself. Perhaps I should return, even if it is to a wasteland. Perhaps I should at least see how Gwen is.

Or perhaps I should just move on.

I looked over my shoulder at the sleeping form, then turned back to the window. A light coating of steam had touched the glass, hazing the image. I reached out, wiping away dark holes where my eyes looked back. Then I wiped a hood shape over them.

I had lived as death for twenty years. I would leave that mask behind.

Perhaps it was time to start anew.

*****

"Gwen Cooper? I'm sorry, sir, she passed away not three years ago."

The words stopped me cold, my breath catching in my throat as I fought back a momentary panic.

"What . . ." I stopped speaking. My voice sounded hoarse and damaged to my own ears.

"She and her husband, that lovely Rhys, had been called back. The invasion, see."

"Invasion?" I tried to draw a steadying breath.

"Aye. It was them what drove those giant insects back from Cardiff. Got told they saved the world again."

I closed my eyes. I had left it way too long.

"So their kids, right, they in'erited Torchwood. An' now they keepin' the peace in this part of the universe."

That's right. I'd read somewhere that Torchwood was now a local peacekeeping force for this sector of the galaxy.

"You'll find 'em at the bay, see?" I looked where the woman was pointing, directly towards the bay, where I'd spent so many years of my life.

Well, best to get this over with. I squared my shoulders and walked to the car, my blue greatcoat feeling heavy on my thin frame.

"Twenty five years", I found myself whispering, almost shaking my head as I drove into Torchwood's main area.

A guard is there trying to stop me, "Ident card, please"

"I . . ."

The guard suddenly looked at me in awe, "It's alright Captain. Go through. They're expecting you."

I blinked. They . . . know me?

I look at the unfamiliar tower block, standing where the millennium centre had been just twenty five years ago. It may well have been yesterday, for the scant amount of time that had passed. But this was something new . . .

A Torchwood that wasn't hiding. A Torchwood that was known to the world.

I parked, in a guest parking area that the guard had shown me, then I slid from the seat.

"Uncle Jack!" A young woman, mid-twenties paused at the top of the nearby stairs. "Uncle Jack! Welcome home!"

I paused, watching as two young men joined the woman, flanking her. All three wore welcoming smiles.

Home.

Was this home? Surely no more than Ylan five, Transti, Velongor or Orion.

Yet, it was here that family had been laid to rest.

Yes . . . home it used to be, and home it could be again. There was life here! A family he had to know. He'd wandered twenty five years in an effort to remember it and to find it but, finally, he knew.

All he needed to fill in the pain in his heart was a soul . . . and his soul was his extended family.

A fourth figure moved up beside the trio, then smiled. She looked much older, but then she wasn't immortal like her father. "Alice?"

"Hi, Dad."


End file.
